Quotes and bedroom golf

Singing moose llamas

Quotes and bedroom golf

This is for your own amusement...use it wisely

HOW TO 'MAKE' LOVE

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes

4 Well-shaped legs

4 Loving arms

2 Firm milk containers

2 Nuts

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl

1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until

well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft.. If banana does not soften,

repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use..

3. If cake rises, leave town.

How to prepare for an emergency

Peter Kay Quotes

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator (Then turned it upside down).

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

BEDROOM GOLF (THE RULES)

1.Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2.Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole
6.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play the course again.
7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9.Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection
10.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11.Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12.The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13.Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14.Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
15.It is considered outstanding performance; time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.